Multiply the Joy, Divide the Sorrow

Written by Jason on October 12th, 2009

     As I sit here sorting through the thousands of thoughts that flood my mind when I begin to write a message to my fellow Veterans. I try to choose my words carefully and make sure that everything I say is kept within the boundaries of the highest respect. Not because I am afraid of insulting my brothers, we do that as a show of camaraderie. I do it because I want them to realize that I will not cast judgement on them for any reason. I have read many articles in the past few days about active duty troops and their struggles with PTSD and TBI. I have read that it is frowned upon to consider seeking help for PTSD. This disturbs me to the point of anger. Yes, it takes a special breed of person to go into battle and perform at such a high level. Yes, there is a certain sense of hardness that needs to be exerted while in such a situation. Been there, done that, stayed the night and walked home! Just as it is said that apologizing for a wrong makes you a bigger and better person, it is the same principle in reaching out for help. Would a smart soldier compromise himself and others by neglecting his weapon? I think not! So why would you want to compromise yourself and your fellow soldiers, sailors or airmen by neglecting your greatest weapon on the battlefield?

     Few things evoked a more emotional response to me and my fellow servicemen than our families. I have a unique love for my fellow Veterans because my family is gone. If you have kept up with my previous entries you know my father shot himself as a result of PTSD. Don't you think I would like to have my dad back? You bet I would, I was 25 years old when he died and there was a tremendous amount of experience yet to be passed on. Too little, too late! Don't be that guy! Obviously, if you have PTSD you have been in some kind of hardcore situation that made a huge impression on your brain. Now that being said, complete the mission by ensuring that you are fully "Good to GO" by getting screened and treated by a professional.

     The latest information I have read is that somewhere in the neighborhood of 120 of our finest are killing themselves every day. PTSD is no joke! This will kill you if you allow it to. The key being IF YOU ALLOW IT! You are in control by having the choice to get the help. If you choose not to get the help you forfeit control and you open yourself up to all the horrors that is PTSD. Nightmares, anxiety, anger, loss of self esteem, addiction, suicide and much more! I have walked hand in hand with all the things I just listed. If I said, "don't stick a fork in the toaster." Would you really need to ask why? Being a United States Military Veteran makes you a member of an elite group of people, the kind of people this world needs and wants. Be a Veteran not a statistic!

     I am trying to plant the seed of healing. This seed will grow into the tree of life for us as Veterans. I can only represent one branch on that tree. I need each of you to help me care for each other. Together we will make that a tree that stands for freedom and liberty. If we are not healthy we are not free. I am sitting here fighting a battle 17 years after is signed my DD214. Not because I have to, but because I care about each and every one of you. That my brothers and sisters is respect. Pay it forward or pay it back. I choose my words carefully, you choose your actions with the same care and before you know it PTSD and all that it is will be gone. What will remain will be a proud legacy we all can share as America's hero's. Together we can multiply the joy and divide the sorrow!

Go do it!

Jason

OperationPTSD

Beyond the Stigma

     First off, my inspiration for this blog post was initiated by reading another authors post about a relationship with a friend that passed away before her time, and the conversation that ensued between my wife and I. As I have stated before, I lost both of my parents to suicide. My Mom was first, I lost her at the age of 13. I have yet to completely wrap my head around that. I was told by my father after her death to lower a shoulder and power on. My desire in life is and has been to be a man. Not just any man but a power player. So I did as he told me and compartmentalized my grief and turned to face my next challenge. There were many, and I thought my job was to absorb them with as little outward expression of pain as possible. I was being hurt and the little boy inside me knew it. No pain, no gain right? Or how about, "Pain is weakness leaving your body?" All a false illusion of my bad-ass complex! Which was by proxy my Fathers bad-ass complex. Did I mention he was suffering from PTSD due to Vietnam? Begin mission impossible, making a 13 year old boy as tough as a Vietnam Veteran. Because that was my yard stick I intended on measuring myself with.

     I believe I began a life of dual self images when my Mom died. On one hand I was a young boy trying to find my place and on the other a warrior in training. Through the rest of my life that little boy has never really gone away. I can summon that person almost at will. However, that child has become somewhat distorted by life events and trauma due to my burning desire to be this mountain of a man. I have always been competitive, fiercely so! As I got older and the stakes got higher, I realized that the person who would be willing to go farther toward the edge of no return would win. I have never appreciated playing the game, I am only interested in the win. I figured rules in games were made by people who didn't like being dominated. The ends always justified the means. I began to live my life with that motto. I would go longer, farther, faster and harder than anyone I knew. Sounded like a recipe for success I thought. I was becoming a predator. Part of me loved it, I had a hunger for something. I needed to feed that hunger, so I descended into a world of violence seeking and self sacrifice in order to find that primitive essence of manhood.

     I thought the more I hurt that child inside me the better my training for manhood was progressing. For some reason I was still scared sometimes of the situations I found myself in. Then I heard someone say that "Courage is not the absence of fear, but a measure of your actions in the face of fear." Well that was perfect for me, I could justify my fear and force myself to face whatever came along. Not just face it, but seek fear and force myself to engage and conquer it. The little boy continued to suffer. At 19 years old I was getting to be a handful for most anyone to handle. I had been in the far east for over a year and had seen and done some pretty intense things. I mean intense even by my definition of the term. I came home on leave and my Father being who he was recognized that edge I was carrying. He got drunk and decided to test the waters with me. Sadly, even though he had abused me and my Mom for years, I delivered a beating that the UFC would have been proud of. A beating that would haunt me for years. Hero's are hero's for a reason, it is very inappropriate to engage your hero in an act of violence! I can't possibly describe what that did to the child inside me.

     I think my Father thought I got lucky in the exchange. He didn't realize I had been planning that beat down since the days of him torturing me with the notion that he was friends with the monsters that lived under my bed and he could ask them to attack me if he wanted to. I spent countless nights laying completely still and quiet believing that the monsters wouldn't get me if I didn't give away my position. That to me was weakness and I wanted to purge myself of it. Due to his alcoholism, we would face each other several more times with similar results all the way up to 1995 when he took his own life. Now that my yardstick had fallen, I needed a new goal. I found that goal many times in the form of an overconfident and undertrained individual looking to prove his worth. I was a predator, no question!

     As I have matured beyond those days I have realized that I wasn't really a man, but a childish predator. I had totally missed the mark! Was I mean? Certainly! Was I capable of hurting people? Absolutely! Was I damaged? Without a doubt! Its time to transcend the realm of predator and move on to the original goal of manhood. PTSD was my wake up call. What will be your wake up call? Think your a bad-ass? Be glad we didn't meet a few years ago, I would have considered you an obstacle to be conquered. Now my goal is to heal and nurture my inner child and rest my inner predator. If you are willing I would like to help you do the same. A real man is neither a child nor a predator. I have come to realize, its somewhere in the middle. I am still capable of both, I can laugh and giggle with my wife like a little boy, and take out an intruder with absolute bad intentions.

     Pain is an indication of something that requires your attention. A little pain is a normal part of growth. Intense pain is an indication of damage. Results of intense physical pain usually have visible scars. If the scars of emotional pain become visible then it is time to look inward and evaluate your condition. I am beyond the stigma, no one can tell me I am weak. I have scars from emotional trauma and I am so relieved to finally know what it is. I can use that same determination to push things to the edge for a greater purpose. Finally embracing my dream of manhood. Are you ready to make that claim? If so, lets bring about change together and bring others along as we go. Stigma meet my inner predator!

Jason
OperationPTSD

Dreams Become Reality

Written by Jason on October 20th, 2009

     We are rapidly approaching our launch date of November 11th.  Although we have already become very active in our mission.  I want to share with you my ideas concerning the future of OperationPTSD.org.  Awareness is key, I believe that more people are aware of PTSD now than ever before.  What I find amazing however is the lack of knowledge of what this illness really is and how it effects all of us.  When I say awareness I don't mean that everyone should be aware of the fact that PTSD is common amongst 35% of returning combat Veterans.  That is a good starting point but it is still a very vague description of the actual effect of PTSD.  We are all aware of how dangerous it is to have unprotected sex in this day and age.  Why is that?  Because of the lack of initial awareness of the dangers it posed to everyone.  Disease has had the chance to spread through the uneducated masses and now poses a threat to all of us.  PTSD is having the same effect and unless we decide to not only educate ourselves but those around us it will continue to destroy lives. 

     If you follow OperationPTSD then you are well aware of Zane and his story.  When this situation first came to my attention, I immediately started to scramble and figure out what resources I had to aide Zane and Jessica.  I left an email out on my desk that I had printed for reference while preparing other emails to people I thought could help.  My wife got up early the next morning to check her email and found the letter.  She read it and had a very strong reaction to it.  She realized she had been in a relationship 20 some years ago and it broke up due to PTSD.  The letter was Jessica's plea for help.  Immediately my wife was able to associate her story to the story Jessica was telling.  She was absolutely floored and in a panic to help Zane and Jessica, because she didn't want to see another person suffer as she had from her experience.  I am quite proud of the fact that I am in a position to do the job that I am doing.  I share that with almost everyone I spend any time with.  Each time I share that information I am almost always on the receiving end of a story with a similar theme.  PTSD is already in the lives of people we all know.  Its already here and its been here for quite some time.  It is time to be aware of it, the disease has already spread. 

    That brings me to the second most important part of OperationPTSD, education.  This disorder occurs through so many pathways.  Combat, domestic violence, sexual assault, natural disasters, car wrecks, violent crime, terrorism and many more ways depending on how the individual sees the situation.  With that being said, 35% of returning troops from combat action is actually a small percentage of the population that is suffering.  PTSD can result in very unpredictable circumstances in all of our personal relationships.  Most people who are effected by PTSD will initially recluse into a world of their own leaving everyone around them searching for answers.  In order to find those answers we need a knowledge base to start from.  We need to become aware of the warning signs and be ready to take action to break the cycle.  I wont go into all of that in this post because it is not my intention to lecture on the signs and symptoms of PTSD at the present moment.  I am trying to engage everyone in the idea of paying attention to the topic and seeking the answers at your discretion.

    Ask yourself, What can I do to enhance awareness and find the education I need?  First of all, we need to get through to the media.  We need to encourage them to investigate and find the answers and report them to the masses.  I am available to be consulted, our organization is available to educate everyone.  If each person who reads this article would email their news channels and newspapers requesting they contact us for a story we could reach millions of people and get the word out quickly.  Not only will that spark interest in the media but it will force the government to start acting and passing legislation to support research and treatment options for all sufferers.  My focus is primarily the male combat Veterans, my associate Mac is working closely with a women's organization to promote awareness for their cause.  I am more comfortable with the male combat Veterans because I feel I can relate to them in a very direct way and provide more instant options for them.  In no way am I trying to down play the role of PTSD on any other demographic, in fact by exposing PTSD in Veterans I hope to cause awareness for all sufferers.

   Bottom line, we need your help in generating the traffic and interest to the plite of PTSD sufferers.  Take some action of your own and we will be glad to start a section in our website dedicated to the people who had the initiative to do some outreach of their own.  This is a business of hero's, and you don't have to be a combat Veteran to be a hero.  I hear from people all the time asking what they can do to help.  Contact your local media and get them in touch with us so we can start a massive education campaign.  Remember, its all about the troops for us, but everyone stands to gain by hearing this message.  Okay, go do it! 

Jason

OperationPTSD