As a man I am saddened, as a Veteran I am enraged. As an advocate I am torn, as an educator I am frustrated. The recent events at Fort Hood, and the anniversary of my mothers death have effected me in a way that I had not anticipated. With Veterans Day and the launch of OperationPTSD.com November 11^th I was busy scrambling to get everything in order. I knew the pressure was building and I could sense subtle changes in my attitude. As I learn more about how PTSD effects me personally, I have begun to remember facts and details about my own experiences. These are not pleasant and I will not post the specifics of these facts because I do not want to unintentionally trigger a PTSD response in someone else. I did not realize that it was possible for me to completely forget details of events that were so intensely a part of my life experience. Now I am not sure I want to recall that information and I am caught in the crossfire, between the desire to understand and the fear of that understanding.

     The reality of death began for me when I discovered my Mom dead in her car after her suicide. I spent several minutes with her alone before the emergency personnel showed up. I can recall just a few images from those moments although I have tried to remember as much as possible. I never really mourned her death, and I still don't know how to go about it. I can tell the story of that day without emotion for the most part and have done it so many times I couldn't begin to count. That day was a turning point for me, the day the finality of death became an intimate piece of knowledge to my young mind. Except for the few people that approached me to express their condolences I was able to almost completely block the reality of the event from my conscious mind. Soon afterward I began to fear the loss of my father. I would jerk awake in a pool of sweat, thinking I heard his car running in the garage. That would send me running downstairs to the garage to check and see if his car was actually running. I would not be satisfied until I put my hand on the exhaust pipe to feel if it was hot. I was afraid to talk to him about it, I was developing my own stigma. I didn't want him to see my fear because that seemed weak in the context of our relationship.

     When I arrived at boot camp, I was anticipating the Navy being a serious undertaking. Almost immediately, the importance of attention to detail was re-enforced with the statement "When mistakes are made people will die." I didn't really connect the thought of an accidental death or even an act of military aggression to my Mom's suicide. I just knew that I was not going to be the one that allowed my actions or lack of actions to be what caused the death of another member of my unit. My subconscious was much more aware of the connection. Initially when I was involved in a situation that had lethal consequences I would get a rush of adrenalin and feel a somewhat pleasant high, with a strange underlying dread. Eventually that dread faded and I functioned as if I were a nonliving being. Each day the same, each situation similar, just reacting in a rehearsed fashion with confidence in my training and problem solving ability. I took pride in my ability to remain cold and calculating in my approach to a chaotic situation.

     The events that unfolded at Ft. Hood initially sparked a feeling of calm calculation and a controlled intellectual response. As I sat and watched the news I began to shake internally. Nausea and a noticeable tension in my abdomen began to get my attention. I could feel my heart beating heavily and I could hear the rush of blood in my head. I was frustrated by the slow development of the story and the constant changing information related to the tactical scenario. I was trying to imagine the scene and began to panic because I could not develop a good solution in my head for the situation. That takes me back to my education and the definition of PTSD. The feeling of hopelessness and loss of control of a situation that involves death or the threat of severe harm to ones self or those around you. Classic textbook PTSD occurring with me at a point where I thought I had a good grip on it. Disturbing!

     My greatest fear is that I would fall apart and lose my wife, I try to explain my feelings but its like describing the color blue to a blind man. I consider my wife to be of high intelligence and also having a huge sense of compassion. However, mental illness is a beast that doesn't reveal itself clearly. Its like an insurgent war fought inside my head. What appears to be a normal event to everyone could be a trigger for me. The unknown is hell in my eyes, I can't plan to fight an enemy that I have no solid Intel on. So I focus all of my aggression on the nearest object or situation that presents itself as an adversary. To my wife it makes sense when my aggression falls in line with her perception of a situation and it appears that aggression is appropriate. Otherwise we fight over that gap in perception. I had an idea the other night to try and picture what PTSD would look like through my wife's eyes. I was laying there in the bed just looking at her while she was reading a book. I was trying to think about how she would respond to the emotional cocktail that I feel on a regular basis. I began to get sick, panic attack was eminent. I realized my instinct to defend her would not allow me to mix the thought of her with the hell that is PTSD. I would attack and destroy anything that would cause my wife to feel like that, yet I don't have the ability to defend myself from it. Amazing!

     This week has been a rough one, PTSD has been twisted in the media. I have heard new terms for PTSD and definitions that only vaguely resemble what I have learned through all my research. The incident at Ft. Hood was actually very damaging to the work I do. People jumping to conclusions and a new stigma in the form of what basically amounts to an act of domestic terrorism. I have been degraded in a forum in which I had previously been praised. To the point of not wanting to even use Twitter as a means of advancing the cause of PTSD Veterans. I have even contemplated quitting this entire mission. I am due to launch this organization in less than two days as I face the worst scenario yet since the idea of OperationPTSD occurred to me. Quitting would be easy! What bothers me most is the idea of leaving a Veteran hanging without a safety line. With all this going on, I begin to call a cadence to myself. If the troops can sustain a war on two fronts with multiple deployments I can keep going too. I love my wife and I love this country, so I will continue the quest for PTSD Veterans and me.

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Jason

OperationPTSD