i was sitting here trying to think of how to start. i want to tell a lil more about what caused my ptsd, well really what started, im not sure ill ever tell what made it worse... but i really dont know how. the last 2 people i told sorda took advantage of me b/c of it. i mean its like i have a f*cking stamp on my forehead that says "HURTME". so i guess its my trust issue getting the best of me. i honestly just am clueless i dont know how to say it or how to put it. im also afraid ill be seen diffrently. and if i let everyone see me i suddenly will feel like i have no defenses...i hope this is making sense. i dont know. i dont know, i guess ill figure it out soon enough. how would you all start if you were to tell? well until next time big hugs ttyl

angel amy

 Rules for kicking ass
>
> Make sure you read #12
>
> Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great
> nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
>
> For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a
> few of the areas where we would like your assistance:
>
> 1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
> the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.
>
> 2.. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
> protest - kick their ass..
>
> 3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
> amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
> quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
> very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
> sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them
> down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass..
>
> 4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were..
> Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others
> that you used to be 'Special Forces'. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia
> might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only
> make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
>
> 5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do
> you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance
> deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).
>
> 6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military',
> inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass..
>
> 7. Next time Old Glory (the  US flag) prances by during a parade, get on
> your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
> heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
> carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
> severe ass-kicking.
>
> 8. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying
> it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick
> your ass!
>
> 9. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's
> go kill those Commies !' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls
> are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me - if you see
> anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can
> go kick their ass!
>
> 10. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*),
> 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of
> endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member
> or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get
> your ass kicked.
>
> 11. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
> military, support our troops and their families.. Every Thanksgiving and
> religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
> remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors,
> marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their
> families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every
> day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.
>
>
> 'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the
> press.'
>
> 'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of
> speech.'
>
> 'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom
> to demonstrate.'
>
> 'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves  beneath the flag,
> and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn
> the flag.'
>
> AND ONE MORE:
>
> 12. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national
> anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS!
>

It's so hard for me to read all the blogs and read what Jason is saying on Twitter and not say anything.  I'm sure he's laughing right about now.  There are so many things that I would like to say from the stand point of living with a man with PTSD.  My life is super busy but I do support my husband and what he is trying to do.  I am just itching to do a blog.  I told Jason last night that I was going to call it PTSD vs PMS.  He loved it.  The reason for the title is for the first 2 years that we were together that was supposedly our problem.  I think that people with PTSD would like to believe the problem is anything else but maybe something to do with them.  Which is very understandable.  Anyway, I'm at work now and can't get into this but I plan to write my heart out over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I appreciate all the support you have given my husband.

Thank you,

Kim

hey all. it's me amy. first of all, im not very good at telling my feelings. having ptsd since a young age and having to grow up before anyone should, i've learned sorda like my own survival guide.  for starters i dont trust easily at all. i constantly have this huge wall up and i dont bring it down for anyone new in my life. the only person i bring it down for is my husband and i dont even do that often. i rarely ask for help with anything as i am used to always having to depend on me and no one else. when i am offered help weather its emotional or just with the dishes, ill accept it then feel like i should be doing it and wind up feeling bad. i've always been good at taking care of everyone else but never been to good at taking care of my self. i find that if you dont have to depend on anyone else then you wont get dissapointed when they let you down. i know that this is'nt the way i should think or be, but honestly its all ive ever known. trusting people and letting others in is like going to a forign land for me. so i dont know how often i will post here, but know that when i do it takes ALOT of courage on my part. just writing this is making me antsy and i already want to hit the delete button. but i told myself i was gonna do it and im not one for quiting when i commit to something. sometimes i may post good stuff or it may be very dark more than likely it wont be pretty...well i think im just gonna go ahead and say goodbye for now. big hugs to all

Angel Amy

When I started this organization I intended on helping people. The kind of people that really deserved it. The kind of people that lay down their lives to protect those that don't have the ability to do it themselves. There is honor in that, there is no honor in the way that the Veterans are treated at the end of the mission. Not that we are asking for anything other than being treated with the respect that is due and medical care for the wounds received while completing the mission. I will not give up seeking a cure for PTSD, but for now I will have to pursue a job in another field. Helping Veterans should be the type of endeavor that others would support. I have found that it is not really a priority in the lives of the people that have benefited the most. Those people are citizens of this country that have done NOTHING to earn the freedoms they have. No sacrifice, no danger, no loss of time with family and friends. Yet they are content to nurse on the tit of the sacrifices of others. I wish there was a way I could expose these people to the horrors that our troops have faced in the defense of this country. What might the satisfaction feel like to see them suffer years of torment that our PTSD Vets do. Then ask them if they would like someone to help them with their problem, only to reply that nobody cares and watch them put their hands to their faces and cry in despair. This is basically what I have experienced over the past few months. I have even experienced hollow promises from groups that are posing as advocates and are taking donations in the name of helping Veterans. I have learned so much from the past several months of work. I learned about me and about the reaction to trauma in the human mind. I have learned about the sad condition of our country and the lack of true patriots that exist here. I have learned that the way business is done here is to make all kinds of promises and deliver nothing, then run off into the sunset with whatever profits you can. No wonder OperationPTSD.com is not doing better, I didn't play by those rules. The weak minded have decided to follow the cliche "If you can't beat em, join em!" I have very little respect for the upper chain of command in our military. They lie, cheat and steal just like the politicians. It is the troops on the ground that make the decisions to complete the agenda we need them to do. It is exactly those troops that get shafted when they return home after doing a job that most would be incapable doing. As a society we concern ourselves with what tramp Tiger Woods is having an affair with or what worthless group of athletes are playing children's games. If reading any of this is upsetting you, there are basically two reasons. Either you are among those I am describing or you are as tired of it as I am. If you among the first group then log off my site and don't return. If you are as sick and tired as I am of the way our country treats our Veterans, then do something or find yourselves lumped in with the first group. This country was based upon Christian principles and is as far from them as ever. God is the answer to the question, regardless of the question. I am confident that I could survive in a war zone, how confident are you that you could? Maybe we should do away with our military all together and allow those who can't defend themselves to perish. Then we may find ourselves with only patriots in this country and those who choose to supports us. I would personally be willing to sacrifice those who wouldn't help defend us. Good riddance I say. If you are a member of OperationPTSD.com and you aren't disturbed by the lack of support then I personally ask you to cancel your membership. If you are following me on Twitter and you disagree please unfollow me. I don't want to have anymore dealings with those who are soft and riding the fence on helping our Veterans. You are with me or you are against me, no middle of the road. Make no mistakes if I detect that you aren't with me then I will most certainly not restrain my contempt for you in whatever forum we find ourselves in. The gloves are off, if I find myself standing alone then at least I know who I can count on. If you are one of those groups that pledged support and failed to deliver, beware I am preparing to expose you as well. I will not name anyone now, but I think you know who you are. Deliver, get out of the game or face being called out. There are no other options. I am growing tired of the PTSD treatment debate, if we have had the treatment for more than a year or two then forget it. It is not working. NLP, EFT, CBT, EMDR, video games, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, re-exposure, talk therapy, antidepressants, blaming everything and everyone, waiting for someone else to do something, and pretending it doesn't exist is not getting the job done. DUH and DEE, DEE, DEE! New and cutting edge treatments are being explored, lets get rid of what doesn't work. It is wasting time and resources that we don't have. In the meantime look for me doing something other than supporting our troops. Thanks to the lack of support of OperationPTSD.com. Until I blog again, God Bless and remember who gave you your freedom.

Jason

OperationPTSD.com

     As a man I am saddened, as a Veteran I am enraged. As an advocate I am torn, as an educator I am frustrated. The recent events at Fort Hood, and the anniversary of my mothers death have effected me in a way that I had not anticipated. With Veterans Day and the launch of OperationPTSD.com November 11^th I was busy scrambling to get everything in order. I knew the pressure was building and I could sense subtle changes in my attitude. As I learn more about how PTSD effects me personally, I have begun to remember facts and details about my own experiences. These are not pleasant and I will not post the specifics of these facts because I do not want to unintentionally trigger a PTSD response in someone else. I did not realize that it was possible for me to completely forget details of events that were so intensely a part of my life experience. Now I am not sure I want to recall that information and I am caught in the crossfire, between the desire to understand and the fear of that understanding.

     The reality of death began for me when I discovered my Mom dead in her car after her suicide. I spent several minutes with her alone before the emergency personnel showed up. I can recall just a few images from those moments although I have tried to remember as much as possible. I never really mourned her death, and I still don't know how to go about it. I can tell the story of that day without emotion for the most part and have done it so many times I couldn't begin to count. That day was a turning point for me, the day the finality of death became an intimate piece of knowledge to my young mind. Except for the few people that approached me to express their condolences I was able to almost completely block the reality of the event from my conscious mind. Soon afterward I began to fear the loss of my father. I would jerk awake in a pool of sweat, thinking I heard his car running in the garage. That would send me running downstairs to the garage to check and see if his car was actually running. I would not be satisfied until I put my hand on the exhaust pipe to feel if it was hot. I was afraid to talk to him about it, I was developing my own stigma. I didn't want him to see my fear because that seemed weak in the context of our relationship.

     When I arrived at boot camp, I was anticipating the Navy being a serious undertaking. Almost immediately, the importance of attention to detail was re-enforced with the statement "When mistakes are made people will die." I didn't really connect the thought of an accidental death or even an act of military aggression to my Mom's suicide. I just knew that I was not going to be the one that allowed my actions or lack of actions to be what caused the death of another member of my unit. My subconscious was much more aware of the connection. Initially when I was involved in a situation that had lethal consequences I would get a rush of adrenalin and feel a somewhat pleasant high, with a strange underlying dread. Eventually that dread faded and I functioned as if I were a nonliving being. Each day the same, each situation similar, just reacting in a rehearsed fashion with confidence in my training and problem solving ability. I took pride in my ability to remain cold and calculating in my approach to a chaotic situation.

     The events that unfolded at Ft. Hood initially sparked a feeling of calm calculation and a controlled intellectual response. As I sat and watched the news I began to shake internally. Nausea and a noticeable tension in my abdomen began to get my attention. I could feel my heart beating heavily and I could hear the rush of blood in my head. I was frustrated by the slow development of the story and the constant changing information related to the tactical scenario. I was trying to imagine the scene and began to panic because I could not develop a good solution in my head for the situation. That takes me back to my education and the definition of PTSD. The feeling of hopelessness and loss of control of a situation that involves death or the threat of severe harm to ones self or those around you. Classic textbook PTSD occurring with me at a point where I thought I had a good grip on it. Disturbing!

     My greatest fear is that I would fall apart and lose my wife, I try to explain my feelings but its like describing the color blue to a blind man. I consider my wife to be of high intelligence and also having a huge sense of compassion. However, mental illness is a beast that doesn't reveal itself clearly. Its like an insurgent war fought inside my head. What appears to be a normal event to everyone could be a trigger for me. The unknown is hell in my eyes, I can't plan to fight an enemy that I have no solid Intel on. So I focus all of my aggression on the nearest object or situation that presents itself as an adversary. To my wife it makes sense when my aggression falls in line with her perception of a situation and it appears that aggression is appropriate. Otherwise we fight over that gap in perception. I had an idea the other night to try and picture what PTSD would look like through my wife's eyes. I was laying there in the bed just looking at her while she was reading a book. I was trying to think about how she would respond to the emotional cocktail that I feel on a regular basis. I began to get sick, panic attack was eminent. I realized my instinct to defend her would not allow me to mix the thought of her with the hell that is PTSD. I would attack and destroy anything that would cause my wife to feel like that, yet I don't have the ability to defend myself from it. Amazing!

     This week has been a rough one, PTSD has been twisted in the media. I have heard new terms for PTSD and definitions that only vaguely resemble what I have learned through all my research. The incident at Ft. Hood was actually very damaging to the work I do. People jumping to conclusions and a new stigma in the form of what basically amounts to an act of domestic terrorism. I have been degraded in a forum in which I had previously been praised. To the point of not wanting to even use Twitter as a means of advancing the cause of PTSD Veterans. I have even contemplated quitting this entire mission. I am due to launch this organization in less than two days as I face the worst scenario yet since the idea of OperationPTSD occurred to me. Quitting would be easy! What bothers me most is the idea of leaving a Veteran hanging without a safety line. With all this going on, I begin to call a cadence to myself. If the troops can sustain a war on two fronts with multiple deployments I can keep going too. I love my wife and I love this country, so I will continue the quest for PTSD Veterans and me.

Donate to OperationPTSD.com, the link is on the home page and is a safe PayPal connection. We need your help!

Jason

OperationPTSD

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091214/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_female_veterans_finding_a_place

wanted to share this story. i believe women vets should be accepted just as much as the men, the fight and work just as hard. the double standard should be long gone by now.

     It has been a very eventful past few weeks. I find it interesting to watch the ebb and flow of PTSD in the media and public opinion. Just days before Veterans Day and the official launch of OperationPTSD.com an evil act of domestic terrorism struck home at Fort Hood. That event triggered an interest in PTSD and our military, although I believe it was thrown off course by the fact that speculation raged over the shooter and various unheard of forms of PTSD. I am speaking of Pre-PTSD and Secondary PTSD, neither of which were terms I had heard of in all the years I have dealt with this subject. These were made up by media and uneducated military spokesmen. Now we are calling PTSD "Combat Stress" because the military didn't want to use the term Disorder. Anything and everything they could think of to redirect the focus of fault from themselves. I am not saying the military is to blame for PTSD, it is a result of trauma. Trauma will occur in combat and there is very little that can be done to prevent that from happening. Even the soldiers that operate the unmanned aircraft from remote bases are suffering a high rate of PTSD. My point is the military and government has ignored the problem of psychological distress on soldiers since the beginning. The terms used have evolved from soldiers heart to shell shock to battle fatigue to PTSD and now combat stress.

     The problem is, using the term "combat stress" will require that a soldier be directly involved in combat to meet the inferred definition of that term. Setting us up for another omission of a large group of people eligible for benefits. Lets stick to PTSD, call it what it is. There is no reason to change the term used and by doing so imply a new and unknown definition further complicating the situation. There are thousands of troops that were involved in support of combat operations and never actually fired a weapon that have full blown cases of PTSD. Are they any less entitled to benefits? The answer is obviously NO, however that will not be the case if the military and government are allowed to set policy on the fly. I personally have experienced the "SYSTEM" at work. I filed an application for disability with the VA going on two years ago, and was denied on my initial claim because I didn't have a Combat Action Medal listed in my service record. As a matter of fact I have noticed that my service record is missing several awards that should have been entered but weren't. Getting those added to my record is not an easy process, and just further complicates getting a final rating for PTSD disability.

      On the other side of this equation we have very positive news to relay. In my early days of Twitter I made a few contacts of interest, one in particular is a young lady that works with Soldiers Angels. She is a member of OperationPTSD.com and suffers from non-combat related PTSD. An Author of a book came to her and said he had written a book and would like for a portion of the proceeds to go to organizations helping the troops. She graciously mentioned OperationPTSD.com to him and put us together to discuss the possibility of this venture. I spoke with him yesterday for about an hour while he was traveling to a reading and book signing. He is a former United States Marine that served in Iraq back in 2003 in support of OIF. He kept a detailed journal of his time in Iraq. He endured many struggles and came to a point in his life that he realized PTSD was a reality for him. He decided to write a memoir based upon his journal and it has been nominated for a 2010 non-fiction Pulitzer Prize. This gentleman's name is Eric Cox and his book is titled "CPL Cox." We have come to an agreement that allows OperationPTSD.com to offer the book as a free benefit of a donation to the organization. For each $25.00 dollar donation a free signed copy of "CPL Cox" will be sent to the person or organization making the donation. This is some of the best news OperationPTSD.com has had since the beginning. My hats off to Eric for creating such unique way of supporting those who support our hero's. A little hint, this will not be the last book he will offer. You will have to get the book to know what I mean.

     OperationPTSD.com is evolving. My initial intent was to offer all kinds of services to PTSD Veterans and families. While that is still my long term goal, our short term mission has got to be awareness and education. I was not completely aware of the level of education or actually the lack of education that I witnessed as the Fort Hood tragedy unfolded. I saw everything from misquotes to blatant lies during the days following the incident. If people have the wrong ideas or wrong impression about a subject, then it is hard to get the kind of help needed based on misinformation.

     There are countless clinical seminars and gatherings ongoing all the time. These are geared toward mental health professionals and are not the kind of sessions that bring out the survivors experience in a way we all can appreciate. I am working behind the scenes to create a coalition of advocates to sponsor a survivors conference on PTSD. Where plain English is spoken in place of technical jargon. I want to see all sorts of PTSD survivors there and mental heath professionals as well, so that we as survivors can cut through the BULL surrounding the PTSD community. I would like to challenge all healing practitioners to bring hard numbers to this gathering so transparency can be achieved. There is way too much he said, she said propaganda going on right now. Each group of people claim the best results, while no one is really pulling ahead in the race for a cure. I am not here to be politically motivated, I am not here to be politically correct. I am here to find the answers for our PTSD affected Veterans and civilians alike. I don't mean to be confrontational or argumentative, but I will be if I think the truth can be exposed by doing so. I am for truth and transparency in the care of our Veterans. I advocate, I educate and I defeat stigma. That will be my mission until I have acquired the necessary resources to increase my presence in the PTSD care community. Bottom line, do what you are good at and let others have to freedom to do the same. It will take a massive cooperation to achieve the results we expect and deserve. Be prepared to operate outside of your comfort zone because ground breaking is not for the faint of heart.

Jason

OperationPTSD.com

     I was taking a much needed break from the computer and what has become an endless journey in gathering support and resources for Veterans with PTSD.  As I stood in my front yard I began looking at a stone I had recently brought back from a hunting trip.  I know this sounds a bit odd but during my mission of healing I have gained a different perspective on a lot of things.  I was pondering the thought of how old this stone might be and how long it had been in the spot I found it.  I then began to think about the fact that this stone had probably been in the same spot since I was born.  Every breath I have ever taken that stone was there.  My journey from an infant to a man had occurred and this stone had remained unchanged and unmoved for all that time.  I started thinking about the events that caused my PTSD and how the stone had just layed in wait.  The two trends of thought merged in my mind.  The stone would still be in that spot had I not moved it, and PTSD would still be running my life had I not acted upon it to stop it.  I think I will visit that stone everyday for at least a moment to remind me of how my actions effect my healing.  I need it because although I am on my way I am not completely free of PTSD and the symptoms it creates.

     We all have a part to play in our lives, some choose to allow others to direct their paths.  Some choose to allow circumstances to decide what their reality is.  I have allowed both of these to occur at some time in my life.  Letting other people or circumstances choose your path is a very risky and potentially destructive course of action.  Be empowered to make your own decisions, then have the courage to face each day with the knowledge that your life is yours to live and protect.  Don't let destructive people or circumstances make your life something you aren't happy with.  Change is not always easy and it may even seem scary, but the fact you are reading this particular message tells me you are looking for an answer to a problem.  In any case I think I would choose the unknown over misery any day.  Be bold, be empowered and make a carefully thought out plan and execute it.  If you are suffering form PTSD that can be a very challenging process.  Thats why I have created this community and work hard every day to bring resources together to help each person make that plan and provide support in times of need.

     Times are changing, there is a movement of support and acceptance occurring right now.  Never has there been a better time to break the cycle of misery then right now.  Don't allow PTSD to lay in wait like a stone in your life, it won't move, look away, blink or forget.  You have to take action to make a change and there is no better time and place then right here and right now.  Is there a one size fits all cure?  No, not that I am aware of right now.  Does that discourage me?  No, it makes me want to dig a little deeper and continue the quest for answers.  I do know this, there are a tremendous amount of skilled and compassionate people working fevorishly to discover the best solution to our problem.  That being said, I still believe that making the decision to put a stop to victimhood is one of the best healing techniques I have found.  Self awareness is another technique I use, be aware of your reactions and maintain an inner dialog with yourself.  A dialog of self assurance and confidence.  Make apologies when you go too far with the anger.  Stop practicing avoidance of situations gradually and give your self the room to make mistakes.  The point is, stop doing the same thing and expecting different results.  Educate yourself and encourage those around you to get that education as well.  Set yourself up a team of supporters.  If you are alone, we are here and that is our purpose.  Welcome to OperationPTSD, we understand what the problem is.

Jason

OperationPTSD

This is an invetation to primarily British sufferes of PTSD. Ther is a march being planned to raise the Goverments awareness to the fact that we who suffer from PTSD want more effective treatments. Any US members who are  in London at time are more than welcome to join us on the march. if you are intrested please leave a message on my page.

                              Thanks  Charlie

     It is a great feeling to find what you have been searching for. I have been approached by many individuals and groups to try and advocate various types of PTSD therapies. Some I tried and others I wasn't interested in. I have seen so many that I can't recall all the different methods. The VA is stuck in the old talk therapy and meds routine. YAWN... I have all but given up on the VA as many of my affiliates have. I recently called the VA to ask about a temporary prescription of an anti-depressant to help me out of a period of post-holiday blues. They said it would be three weeks before I could get in to be seen. Since then I have cleared the blues and continued on the road of personal recovery. I have come to the conclusion that there needs to be a three pronged approach to PTSD treatment. I believe that this is an issue that affects the mind, body and spirit. Of course we are all familiar with the problems of the mind, and for those suffering with PTSD you are most certainly aware of the effects on the body. We should not ignore the implications on the spiritual side of this issue.

     I have always proclaimed my faith, but I was hesitant to speak too much about it in the realm of OperationPTSD.com. I did not want to be seen as a religious monger trying to fix PTSD with the Gospel. Its is impossible to deny the impact that faith has on our lives. As the cliché says, "There are no atheists in a foxhole." Cliche's are called that for a reason, small pieces of wisdom that have been recognized over the years as ideas to be heeded. Faith gives us a foundation to stand on as a basis for our own personal identity. I think it is very important to have a starting point for the journey through the healing process. As a child of the most high God, I have my identity established and a promise that I will not be left alone to fight the battles here on earth. I also believe that God uses other people in our lives to help us along the way. He gives each of us a set of skills that we are to develop and use to benefit ourselves and others. He also instructs us to maintain fellowship with other believers so that we may draw strength from them and be in a position to receive the gifts they have been given. That being said, my point is that we must approach the healing process with all the tools and not leave any aspect uncovered as to avoid the pitfalls associated with traditional therapy methods. I am not suggesting that everyone adopt my personal beliefs but find your own place that God has made for you. From there anything is possible.

     As for the body, you cannot expect that you can function properly while neglecting your physical condition. PTSD sufferers have a unique set of challenges that they face on a daily basis. Physically the sleep deprivation, anxiety and stress can make you feel like you are an island unto yourself. Compounding the difficulty of having enough energy to face a difficult journey of personal healing and growth. Eating a balanced and healthy diet, exercise, and avoiding harmful habits is absolutely essential to be in good condition. Failing to do so is putting yourself at a disadvantage from the very beginning. Getting back your life is a decision that must be made with the intention of being committed to a change of lifestyle. I think that is what most PTSD sufferers are looking for, because the typical day in the life of a PTSD sufferer is no walk in the park. We as humans typically don't relish the idea of change. However if you find yourself in the midst of a fire, wouldn't a cool change of scenery be an invitation to expend whatever amount of energy needed to get that done? I am speaking from experience, and I feel it is very important to be upfront and honest about my struggles to set an example for others to learn from.

     I have realized that my reputation is much less important than the benefits I can bring to others. I am very fortunate to have the power of a praying wife at my side, giving me a dose of daily motivation. My success is your success. If you read my last blog entry you are aware that I have had some rough patches in this mission to find a viable treatment for the illness that has consumed my life from the day I was born. As many of you know my father was a Vietnam Vet and drank himself and the rest of my family into oblivion. That is a typical story of someone with PTSD that either fails to be recognized or chooses to remain undiagnosed and untreated.

     I am working closely with a few select organizations and people to get a comprehensive program developed for mind, body and spirit. One of the most exciting aspects of this work is the new relationship that has developed with Great Life Technologies in Southern California. They have created a PTSD program that has my full attention. Their program is a non-invasive, non medicated and in home program that is supervised by a trained coach to optimize results. Consults are done by phone.

     Results of the initial data and ongoing treatment data are being compiled and monitored by the University of Texas at Austin. This program teaches each person how to address each symptom of PTSD and brings resolution in an incredibly short period of time. This is the exciting part, it puts the healing process in the hands of sufferer. No longer dependent on a therapist or a system of therapists that are not flexible in scheduling. It allows the individual to deal with any issues as they occur. That is very empowering and encouraging for someone that sufferers daily. I have had very noticeable improvements in my battle with anxiety, anger and clarity. My wife is also going through the program and has commented on how wonderful it is to be able to clear anger issues as they occur. This gives her the ability to help me and not be caught in the circle of empathy loss.

     I had the privilege to participate in a teleconference with Great Life Technologies and NotAlone.com a few weeks ago. During the conference I was able to hear from several Vets that are going through the program. Interestingly, there was a Vet from each of the wars since Vietnam represented. The overall message was that this program was a profound success. Not one of the Vets I heard from had a downside to speak of. Each of their stories were different as each of us are. This program was developed to help trauma victims resolve internal conflicts and has proved to be exceptionally beneficial to PTSD sufferers. The director Tom Stone has written books on these techniques that will be available on OperationPTSD.com in the very near future. They also put on seminars regularly that can be attended. My goal is to go to a certification seminar and become a PTSD and life coach. There are not many aspects of suffering associated with PTSD that I don't understand. I have been both the sufferer and the loved one of a sufferer. I have spent my life wondering why I had gone through all the things that I have, now I know. It is my mission to help other people that are going through their darkest hours. We didn't get in the position we are in overnight and getting resolution will not be an overnight endeavor. However, healing can be measured in months rather than years as one of the Vets told me after he had been in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for over 15 years with limited results.

     I need to raise $2000.00 dollars to attend this certification in California. I would like to offer any donor free sessions in exchange and in gratitude for helping me help others. If you would like to donate but don't know anyone suffering I have a list of people that would be grateful for the therapy and would make the introduction between the two of you so that you could see who and how you helped a specific person improve their life. All donations can be made on the PayPal donation button on the home page of this website. Thank you for your support and I look forward to bringing together a comprehensive program of healing for mind, body and spirit.

All the Best,

Jason Ream

OperationPTSD.com

I'm 25 years old, and I've had depression all of my life, up until about 5 days ago, I had never felt happiness.  About 5 days ago, my girlfriend of over 2-years and I went down to get our marriage license, and for the first time in my life, I actually felt happiness, it was great.  It was a feeling that I would give up for nothing.  She has a beautiful little girl who has called me daddy since she was 3 year old, and she just turned 5.  I was honestly happy with where my life was about to go, our wedding date was on Jan 5, 2010...11 days away from today.  Yet, yesterday, my soon-to-be wife decided to tell me how much she hated me, and that she would never marry me because I am to "psychotic"...and to think, she's a veteran too...non-combat, but still a veteran.  I still do not understand...she' staying here until after the first of the month, then she's taking our daughter (actually hers, but she'll always be mine) back to South Dakota, while I'm stuck here alone.  I cannot handle this shit anymore, and I really do not see any point in trying...since I came back from my deployment, she;s right, I am fucked in the head.  Right now I'm looknig for reasons to stop contemplating what I am, but I have yet to find anything.  July of 2008 I had a suicide attempt, obviouly a failed one, I tried to OD...I actually felt content after taking the pills, just knowing that I would not be ruining her life anymore made me feel good about myself.  Against my wishes, I was "saved"...but the feeling never went away until about 5 days ago...that was when I knew that for the first time in my life somebody actually loved me, and wanted to bewith me.  I guess that I was wrong...I'm too fucked in the head to be with.  I can se her point now though.  There is nothing that I would not do for this woman, but obvisouly whatever it is that I would do i not good enough...so, I'm sitting here drinking, and have yet to find a reason to keep feeling this way.  What is left after your love, and child is gone?  All I am is a shell of who I was before I enlisted, I may not have felt happiness, but back then I was content...thanks to my deployment, I now have nothing...I don't know how to deal with this shit, and I don't know how long that I can.  

Rain Wash

By

Brian Hefron

12/1/09

You cannot make a castle of ice.

It would melt.

You cannot hold a heart in you hands.

The person would die.

You cannot littler the heavens with stained souls

It would darken and cloud the skies: Blocking the sun.

So, a man is digging on a hillside overlooking a river.

The spot is high enough from the surface of the water

That the grave will never be flooded out

Robbing it of its stored cargo of death.

He is deeply unhappy and tears blind his rage.

His love has been taken from him by a crime.

A mugger of life who hates all light and caring

And burns to hurt and harm

And who is as broken inside as an old spring clock

Has killed his only true love.

This is the moment of truth.

Does the digger’s heart turn bitter and henceforth

Pump out, a still red, but now toxic flow of anger and hate.

Or can his tears join the river below and ease his suffering.

He does not think about God as he digs.

He is too angry with God to discuss it now.

But the unmoved mover knows when to move

And suddenly a strong, strong rain begins to fall.

Blinding white rain as thick as a bed sheet.

And the man is forced to stop.

He sticks the shovel in the ground

At the head of the hole like a grave marker, then

Ragged, soaked and crying

He drops into the soft mud.

Forcing his face deep into

The freshly dug earth where his tears mix with all else.

There, his grief is granted a brief reprieve.

Dripping wet, he rises, looks round, and leaves.

In a country that has a seperation of Church and State, we have been in a religious war since 2002. Read Genesis 16-18.

Ishmael and Issac are the oldest children of Abraham. Ishmael is the son of Hagar, Sarah's handmaiden. Issac is the son of Abraham and Sarah.. the promised son. Since Abraham so desired a son and Sarah could not provide one Hagai became pregnant with Ishmael. Since Hagai was pregnant and Sarah was not she would gloat and make Sarah feel bad that she could not give her husband the one thing he desired the most.

Hagar was found by the Lord away from the camp and was crying. He came to her and told her not to worry for her decendants will be too numerous to count if she would return and submit to Sarah. The Lord then came to Abraham and told him that if he let Ishmael live under his blessing then Sarah would bear Issac.

After that we don't hear about Ishmael any longer... That is unless you pick up a Koran (Muslim Bible)

Since Issac is the blessed, beloved, promised son of Abraham and Ishmael is not, Ishmael has a lot to be hateful for. He's the proverbial "red headed step child".

As Americans we are based on christian values and consider Jesus our Lord and Savior (well at least some of us do) Because we also consider ourselves children of God we should know our family history. Heck if we really do our family history we might actually prove it...

"Pride"

By,

Jeffrey Rodgers

Do you even care
About the price I pay
The sleepless nights
The tired days

Do you understand
The pain in my heart
Living with the memories
Of the families I tore apart

You point and laugh
When a Soldier cries
I bow my head
For his Soldier who died

It's not for you
That we fight and die
Not for our country
Our flag, or our pride

We fight to free
Those oppressed
We fight for our lives
And we do our best

But this is war
And soldiers die
That doesn't mean we quit
We fight harder, we survive

Until I die
I'll walk with pride
My head held high
For my brother's who died

So walk away
Bow your head
Show respect
Give thanks to our dead

If it wasn't for them
You wouldn't be free
To do what you want to do
Or be who you want to be

A humbled apology
We're waiting to hear
Because of our Soldiers
You have nothing to fear

"Why We Fight"

By,

Jeffrey Rodgers

You don't care
That we fight and die
You don't have to hear
Our wounded Soldiers Cry

As a Soldier
We'll give our lives
So people like you
May walk the line

You tell us we're no good
You hope we die
Soon enough you'll be thanking me
From the other side

It's people like you
Who gives us reason to fight
In most places, with your opinion
You'd have already died

So everytime you try
To hurt a Soldier's pride
Just remember it was us
Who gave you that right...

Jeffrey Allen Rodgers

Copyright ©2007  Jeffrey Allen Rodgers

"Soldier's Goodbye"

By,

Jeffrey Rodgers

Bullets were flying
All around
No time to duck
As I hit the ground

The blood was flowing
Don't ask why
But I wasn't fighting for my life
I wanted to die

No reason to live
No family back home
Better to die here
Than home alone

Stressin' fro home
More than here
The thought of dying
Suppresses the fears

So, when I die
Shed no tears
Know I died with honor
And showed no fear

Through my death
I'll save a life
Helping another Soldier
Return to his faithful wife

Though I've died
I'm not alone
I'm with my Brothers
They'll carry me home

Although I'm being
Put to rest
Please don't cry
For I did my best

I did not go easy
It was a hell of a fight
My war is over now
This is my last night

I'll watch from above
I will not sleep
Til my Brothers come home
No combat boots on their feet

So, this is it
I'm saying good bye
I love you all
For this will be the last time I write

Jeffrey Allen Rodgers

Copyright ©2007  Jeffrey Allen Rodgers

A Child of Violence

By Brian Heffron

11/16/09

His Father always paid in pain immediately whenever the note came due.

Never missing a payment.

At first the child thought he was being loved and invested in: love and caring and

Beating.

But it was the other way around.

The Man was not investing and never had been.

A searing joke was been played again and again and again.

Repeating like the gun in the slaughterhouse.

Bang. Dead cow. Bang. Dead cow. Bang.

People lie more than they tell the truth.

Or they simply remain silent to all the screaming,

Whether its cows or people.

You’ve seen it.

I don’t have to tell you.

But at fifteen this child knew his foe better the quick of his own thumb.

He had large calloused fists from striking the bark of oak trees over and over again.

Getting ready. Pouring blood from his knuckles like a crimson soup.

Have you ever had two black eyes at the same time?

Your mind feels assaulted. The world is ugly and so are you.

But you live through it. Then you give them back.

One thing his youth had taught him was to always expect the blow.

You never knew where it was coming from,

But you always knew it was coming.

Now, decades later, it is still surprising how children of violence

Find each other in their hour of need,

Meeting and greeting their victims together:

Laughing as they fight and stab and kill.

Some of us just like it, I guess: “Evil Fucks”.

For instance, right now I could reach out

And snap your neck like a dry twig on a brisk fall day.

But of course I won’t do it because it would be too, too, easy and so, so, wrong.

And I simply don’t do either.

 I am an ex-Royal Engineers (1965 - 1989) and had to give up work in August of 2007 to become a full time carer for my wife who suffers from acute bi-polar disorder. For many years my family friends and colleagues have tried to persuade me to put pen to paper to down some of the many 'stories' I would tell at social and family occasions. They likened my to Unc in only fools and horses! I remember when . . . . Eyes would roll and at least one would say, "Pull up a Sandbag" or "Swing the Lights". However the stories were always funny and I would usually have them rolling in the aisle.

The Continuing Story of Our Lad Ricky by
Michael A Ruston

http://sites.google.com/site/ourladricky/

Ricky - The Early Years

I have attempted in my books to give a feel of what life was really like for a military family living below the poverty line in the 1950s and early 1960s. In this, the first of the four books, I detail my life from my earliest memories, through my school days, until I eventually joined the Army in the mid 1960s. You are able to follow the numerous scrapes, incidents and often funny, sometimes tragic situations in which I found myself. Arrested by the RMP three times before reaching the tender age of 7!

Our Lad Ricky

In Our Lad Ricky I write about the several abortive attempts I made to join the Army, always failing due to my apparent weakness and ill health. And how, in desperation, I persuaded my best friend and school chum Ben to travel with me to Queen Street, Wolverhampton and take my entrance medical there on my behalf. The book highlights my hesitant, precarious and often hilarious attempts at turning from boy to man, by learning to be a soldier and how, not just once, but twice, I was almost discharged from the Army as 'Services No Longer required'!

Ricky - Green Beret

In Ricky - Green Beret, I cover the period from my arrival in Germany, through a host of mishaps and personal catastrophes. Ricky, having been betrayed by a friend, which almost resulted in a Court Martial was close to eviction from the Army. Meeting and falling madly in love with a country girl, but was it to be?
And then, quite accidentally, Ricky found himself posted to a Commando Unit forming up in Singapore. Although NOT a volunteer ‘Ricky' struggled through weeks of ‘Beat Up' and following Commando Training at the Commando Training Centre in Lympstone, Devon, to successfully succeed in winning the much coveted Green Beret. Much to his own surprise and the astonishment of comrades, friends and family!

Army Rangers have a reputation of being the best in the Army, but what happens when they are afflicted with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after serving in Iraq?

The Army ignores their need for help, and tries to push them out without an Honorable Discharge.

This sounds like a storyline out of a movie, but for Zane Love, it is a tragic reality.

After the terrorist attacks of 9/11, Zane Love wanted nothing more than to be an Army Ranger, and in 2006, both Zane and his brother Zack joined the United States Army.

From the beginning of his service to this country, Zane suffered through obstacles set directly in his path by the Army, including being forced to re-do two of the three stages of training to be an Army Ranger. However, Zane persevered like a true hero and achieved his goal of becoming an Army Ranger with the support of his family.

Last year, Zane was deployed to Iraq for the third time, and when he returned he was not the same man who traveled to Iraq to fight for his country. He returned in February 2009 physically sound, but as his problems came to the surface, instead of being helped, he began to suffer through humiliation at the hands of his commanding officers, and an emotional tailspin followed that would break the hearts of those who hold him close to them.

Continue reading at itsaveteransworld.wordpress.com/.

I met my boyfriend in February of this year.  I didn't know he suffered from PTSD then, nor for months to come.  I did, however, sense there was something different about him early on.  At first I confused it with something else.  Now I know different.  I had NO idea what I was getting into.  Would I have run if I had?  Knowing me, probably not.  I have a talent for picking tough challenges in life including in my relationships. 

I'll be writing about what the journey has been like so far from the point of view of the person loving someone with PTSD.  This will be ongoing, and sometimes it'll be very painful.  But knowing me, I'll be pretty open-book and blunt at times.  I will, however, never reveal much about my boyfriend.  He has made it plain to do so is a deal breaker.  I intend to respect his privacy. 

I learned a long time ago you can't live another person's life, nor fix someone else.  Right now I watch as my boyfriend tries to pull himself back from the PTSD abyss, returning to counseling after 8 months without.  He lost a counselor at a local VA and felt betrayed and was angry for a long time.  He has returned to counseling but goes to a VA three hours from here that he has more trust in.  He has also started meds, which so far causes a lot of fatigue, but ironically he still has trouble sleeping at night.  The jury is still out on if they will work or will need to be changed.  In turn, I have been dealing with anxiety and related depression.  I have seen doctors to make sure there's not chemical imbalances in me (thyroid, etc.), am on antidepressents, and am like my boyfriend, in talk therapy.  I do try to take care of myself.  But I fully admit day to day is difficult, and some days I am like my boyfriend and feel like crawling in a hole and pulling the hole in behind me. 

Being shut out of someone's life a good share of the time whether it's circumstantial or PTSD or both is tough.  I live one day at a time.  You may wonder why I do it.  I'll tell you why.  My boyfriend has went through more challenges than most people ever do.  He's not only done it, but he's triumphed over them.  This one may be the toughest of all, the PTSD, but he's fighting it hard also.  He's never let it get him to abuse drugs or alcohol.  He hasn't let it prevent him from being a great full-time single father of 3 teens, or make a life for himself despite many setbacks due to physical disability or even, yes, cancer.  I sometimes think he's one of those individuals people run across that may be modeled after the biblical Job.  I admire the man.  To coin a corny but apt phrase, he's made a lot of lemonade out of the lemons life has thrown at him, let me tell you. 

Next time I will share a bit about how and when he finally told me he had PTSD.  It happened over a two week period, the 'reveal' - it started in a text message, then during a talk in person, and ended in 10 text messages in a row...

My heart goes out to those who are affected by what happened at Fort Hood, TX. All the more reason to make sure that soldiers get all the help they need.

¹ Save me, O God, by your name;
       vindicate me by your might.

 ² Hear my prayer, O God;
       listen to the words of my mouth.

 ³ Strangers are attacking me;
       ruthless men seek my life-
       men without regard for God.
       Selah

 ⁴ Surely God is my help;
       the Lord is the one who sustains me.

 ⁵ Let evil recoil on those who slander me;
       in your faithfulness destroy them.

 ⁶ I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;
       I will praise your name, O LORD,
       for it is good.

 ⁷ For he has delivered me from all my troubles,
       and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.